Warwick October 2013 "You're not married! I know just the person for you, my Aunty!!"
01/10/13 18:49
The special project my team was working on proved to be a great success for my Boss (and therefore also for me!) Just as I had expected my new Team Member made a significant contribution to it by picking up and completing the work that others, who I had actually allocated the project work to, were unable to do. I hoped to keep her working for me after the project was over and made sure the Boss knew just how good and important her contribution was (without mentioning she was actually backfilling others roles!). I was successful in that and had her contract extended for another year during which time I expected she would be able to take on a leading role in some of our specialist work. To manage my team I liked to have regular 1-2-1 sessions with my staff where they could discuss their work progress or anything else that was on their minds and the introverts in my team (and most of them were because that nature is more suited to a data analysis role) liked being able to discuss their problems away from the eyes and ears of others. However my new recruit was definitely an extrovert, quite happy to seek help from anyone when she needed it and more than willing to pass on knowledge she had gained working elsewhere to us. It didn't take me long to assess her as being someone likely to go on and achieve much more than I had done in my career and I was keen to encourage her to do so. It was in one of these 1-2-1 sessions whilst we were discussing work that she suddenly declared "You're not married! I know just the person for you ….. my Aunty".
I didn't know what to say because in the UK a reference to your "Aunt" is usually meant as an exclamation of surprise, a jest or something not to be taken seriously so I was immediately confused and put on the defensive. I was usually the one asking the difficult questions but now I was facing a very personal one from a lady who obviously was expecting an answer. Well the truth was that I wasn't married and had long thought that opportunity had passed me by. Twenty years earlier I had been engaged but my fiancé had broken that off and all my other attempts to woo the opposite sex had ended in a similar way. I had accepted it wasn't going to be for me and mentally moved on. Now someone working for me was demanding to know why I was still single in my late 50s and telling me the person who would be an ideal match for me was her Aunty. Well, you just couldn't write it (only I have, so read on).
This was a one sided conversation in which she did all the talking and me all the nodding. Apparently her ideal match for me was someone my age, living in SE Asia and a Christian. My Team Member was from Singapore and whilst she was speaking I started to form an opinion that children must be brought up differently in that part of the World because this is not the way we do things in the UK! I am given her Aunt's email address and instructed to contact her as she is waiting to hear from me. I don't have much say in this matter but am willing to humour my Team Member and agree to contact her Aunty whilst at the same time thinking that I am quite happy as I am and leave me alone. "Leaving me alone" is apparently not on her agenda and every other day I am nagged and encouraged to introduce myself to this mystery woman. Eventually I pick up the courage to send her an email which read something like "Hello, How are you? Some mad lady who works for me insists I contact you and I apologise for bothering you. Can we Zoom chat?" to which I expected a polite no response. (Most assuredly I did NOT use those words but I was probably thinking something similar when I sent that message). To my surprise the response I got was positive.
Now I hadn't tried to impress a woman for over ten years. What should I say and what should I wear on a zoom call? So I did what I am good at, I went on line and researched for "ten things to talk about on a first date" and wrote them down so they would be in front of me whilst I was speaking to her. I made myself look "business like" and pressed the button to start our first conversation. To my surprise it went well, we chatted for over 30 minutes and I had only got as far as question three on the list of things to ask! The thing I most remember about our first "date" was that the 10 Mega Pixel camera on my computer showed clearly what I looked like whilst the 3 Mega Pixel camera she was using needed urgent replacement! Job done or so I thought. I reported back to my Team Member how it had gone, got approving nods and then she said, "When are you going to call her again?". Now it hadn't crossed my mind that I should do so but apparently this was supposed to be the start of an ongoing relationship. I sighed at the apparent futility of all this effort and it was probably a week later before I arranged another Zoom call which too went well. It felt like I had acquired a "video pen pal" and life went on with me calling this mystery woman maybe once a week to chat about what was going on in our lives. When I was asked how I was getting on and I said how often we spoke it was explained to me, in no uncertain terms, that calling her once a week wasn't enough! I should be calling twice a week and sending emails in between times. Good grief, what did this lady think she was playing at? The mystery woman lives on the other side of the world and we were never likely to meet in person. It would need a miracle for that to change.
[Footnote: When you read this story you see what I was thinking and experiencing at that time. Whilst I was being pushed into contacting and talking to her Aunty my Team Member was busy telling that person I was the best manager she had ever worked for and I would be perfect for her even though she wasn't looking for another partner in her life. There is an essential piece of information you need to know at this point and something that I didn't find out until some years later. In a dream my Team Member had heard God tell her to put us together hence her constant encouragement that I persevere at what I thought was a futile act].
I didn't know what to say because in the UK a reference to your "Aunt" is usually meant as an exclamation of surprise, a jest or something not to be taken seriously so I was immediately confused and put on the defensive. I was usually the one asking the difficult questions but now I was facing a very personal one from a lady who obviously was expecting an answer. Well the truth was that I wasn't married and had long thought that opportunity had passed me by. Twenty years earlier I had been engaged but my fiancé had broken that off and all my other attempts to woo the opposite sex had ended in a similar way. I had accepted it wasn't going to be for me and mentally moved on. Now someone working for me was demanding to know why I was still single in my late 50s and telling me the person who would be an ideal match for me was her Aunty. Well, you just couldn't write it (only I have, so read on).
This was a one sided conversation in which she did all the talking and me all the nodding. Apparently her ideal match for me was someone my age, living in SE Asia and a Christian. My Team Member was from Singapore and whilst she was speaking I started to form an opinion that children must be brought up differently in that part of the World because this is not the way we do things in the UK! I am given her Aunt's email address and instructed to contact her as she is waiting to hear from me. I don't have much say in this matter but am willing to humour my Team Member and agree to contact her Aunty whilst at the same time thinking that I am quite happy as I am and leave me alone. "Leaving me alone" is apparently not on her agenda and every other day I am nagged and encouraged to introduce myself to this mystery woman. Eventually I pick up the courage to send her an email which read something like "Hello, How are you? Some mad lady who works for me insists I contact you and I apologise for bothering you. Can we Zoom chat?" to which I expected a polite no response. (Most assuredly I did NOT use those words but I was probably thinking something similar when I sent that message). To my surprise the response I got was positive.
Now I hadn't tried to impress a woman for over ten years. What should I say and what should I wear on a zoom call? So I did what I am good at, I went on line and researched for "ten things to talk about on a first date" and wrote them down so they would be in front of me whilst I was speaking to her. I made myself look "business like" and pressed the button to start our first conversation. To my surprise it went well, we chatted for over 30 minutes and I had only got as far as question three on the list of things to ask! The thing I most remember about our first "date" was that the 10 Mega Pixel camera on my computer showed clearly what I looked like whilst the 3 Mega Pixel camera she was using needed urgent replacement! Job done or so I thought. I reported back to my Team Member how it had gone, got approving nods and then she said, "When are you going to call her again?". Now it hadn't crossed my mind that I should do so but apparently this was supposed to be the start of an ongoing relationship. I sighed at the apparent futility of all this effort and it was probably a week later before I arranged another Zoom call which too went well. It felt like I had acquired a "video pen pal" and life went on with me calling this mystery woman maybe once a week to chat about what was going on in our lives. When I was asked how I was getting on and I said how often we spoke it was explained to me, in no uncertain terms, that calling her once a week wasn't enough! I should be calling twice a week and sending emails in between times. Good grief, what did this lady think she was playing at? The mystery woman lives on the other side of the world and we were never likely to meet in person. It would need a miracle for that to change.
[Footnote: When you read this story you see what I was thinking and experiencing at that time. Whilst I was being pushed into contacting and talking to her Aunty my Team Member was busy telling that person I was the best manager she had ever worked for and I would be perfect for her even though she wasn't looking for another partner in her life. There is an essential piece of information you need to know at this point and something that I didn't find out until some years later. In a dream my Team Member had heard God tell her to put us together hence her constant encouragement that I persevere at what I thought was a futile act].